


maybe, i'm afraid

by carmelfringe



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Fix-It, Getting Together, M/M, Pining, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 02:01:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18982927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carmelfringe/pseuds/carmelfringe
Summary: “Gonna miss you buddy” was all he could say without getting choked up. He tried his best to smile but as soon as Steve hugged him and couldn’t see his face, the smile disappeared.“It’s gonna be okay Buck.”or: me pretending Steve's canon ending doesn't exist





	maybe, i'm afraid

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the song "maybe, i'm afraid" by lovelytheband which is a 100% Bucky Barnes song

_It's been a little hard_

_I've been a little tough_

_But maybe all along_

_I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid_

 

There were times when he felt like he’s finally found his place in this world. After so many years, after all he’s been through. He was slowly starting to heal and try to move on from what happened during his Winter Soldier years. It was hard. There were times he woke up all sweaty with dried tears on his face only to realise it was _this_ nightmare once again. The one where he, blinded by the brainwashing, beat Steve up so much that he died. _You're my friend_ he vaguely hears Steve say. But then, he hears his response that’s louder than sirens. — _You’re my mission._ He killed his best friend, without even knowing that it was in fact his best friend. Punch after punch, blood dripping down Steve’s chin and landing on his suit. It’s been going on for a few months now. He had no idea why, he thought he’d been doing pretty well at coping with everything.

Maybe the knowledge that he was the reason Steve got into so much trouble had him constantly feeling like a burden. _I don’t know if I’m worth all this Steve._ He wasn’t. Steve went through a lot just to have him by his side once again. Fought with Tony, broke the law countless times by helping a criminal, went out of his way to look for him even though he was told that the chance of Bucky being alive was slim. Even with the brainwashing, even with Bucky losing his true identity and not remembering Steve — he still fought for him.  
_I don’t think he’s the kind you save. He’s the kind you stop._ Yet, the thought of stopping Bucky instead of doing his damned best to help him had never crossed Steve’s mind. He never gave up on him.

To be completely honest, Bucky was not happy about being brought back to life after the snap. This was not the life he wanted to live. He had no one in this world, everyone he knew was stuck back in the 40s. He only had Steve and Sam, who he had grown to treat as a brother. The rest didn’t trust him and he couldn’t blame them. He was alone.

 

Which is why he found himself right now looking worriedly at Steve when the later had this back turned to him.

“Gonna miss you buddy” was all he could say without getting choked up. He tried his best to smile but as soon as Steve hugged him and couldn’t see his face, the smile disappeared.

“It’s gonna be okay Buck.”

 _No it’s not. You’re all I have, don’t leave me here all alone._ Was he selfish to ask Steve for another sacrifice? Maybe. But Steve was the only reason his sanity hadn’t gone away just yet. Life had been hard on him, he tried to be though. He _was_ tough. But he was only human after all, everyone has their breaking point and he was reaching his at a rapid speed. He was afraid. More than words could ever describe.

He knew what would happen as soon as Steve stepped on the platform to go on his mission to return the stones. He could already see him dancing with Peggy and spending his whole life by her side. He could not compare, he knew that. But, thinking that was one thing and it could not even begin to remotely match the feeling of actually seeing it happen right in front of his very own eyes.

A lifetime for Steve was just a minute for him. One stupid minute that would change his life and break his heart into a million pieces. The brainwashing, the tortures, the constant hiding… nothing could break him and yet seeing Steve on this platform, ready to let him go and live the life he deserved made his heart hurt. He should be happy for him. If you love someone you should let them go if they want to. But Bucky didn’t want Steve to go. _Please don’t let me be alone please please please_

 

Stevedisappeared.

And with him, the last bit of comfort Bucky had.

 

He felt a weight on his shoulder and turned his head to see Sam looking at him with eyes full of sorrow.

“He’s gonna be back you know. Just a matter of seconds now.”

He sighed and willed his eyes to stop getting teary. “I know.” He said in a trembling voice. “But he won’t be my Steve anymore. After that, I’m gonna be just one of a lifetime worth of memories. A drop in the ocean of reminiscence. An episode.”

“You’re his best friend, Barnes. I’m sure you’re way more significant to him than that.” Sam smiled.

“I think me and Steve see one another in a very different light.” Bucky murmured. “But it’s not like it matters now.” 

After a short pause Sam said: “He should be here any second now.”

 

Bucky didn’t know if he should go back before Steve returned to spare himself the heartbreak or stay here, greet him, pretend he’s okay and ask about the life he didn’t get the chance of being a part of. He chose the first option and started to slowly walk away form theplatform.

“Barnes!” He heard Sam yell. “Where are you going?”

Bucky stilled for a moment. “Home.” Then, after a second, added “Wherever that is.”

 

But before he had a chance to go away any further he heard something that made his heart stop.

“Buck.”

He was afraid to turn around.

“Bucky, please.”

There were now tears streaming down his cheeks, there was no way he was going to turn around _now_ and let Steve see just how much it all affected him. He clenched his fist and looked up, trying to will the tears to stop spilling from his eyes.

He heard footsteps behind him and a hand tugging at his arm.

“Look at me.” He heard Steve whisper, mere millimetres from his face.

 

So he finally did. 

The eyes he was met with were bluer than ever. He got lost in them for a solid minute. It was when Steve smiled at him that he finally noticed his whole appearance.

He had not aged a day. Still just as young, just as beautiful as he had been a minute ago.

That’s when the tears came back and he started full on sobbing while hugging Steve with everything he had.

“Shhh… it’s okay Buck. Told you it was gonna be okay. I’m here, I’m here.” Steve said while gently caressing his hair. Bucky sobbed harder. “Breathe.”

Every time he tried to calm down he was met with a new rush of tears. In between breaths he whispered: “Why?”

Steve just smiled at him. “Isn’t that obvious?” His palm was now resting on Bucky’s cheek, he was looking him dead in the eyes. “I’m with you till the end of the line, Buck.”

Bucky smiled, face covered in dried tears. “But… I don’t understand. You could have had the life you’ve always wanted.”

Steve looked down at his shoes while trying to compose his thoughts into something Bucky would understand.

“Yeah. But after being here with you for a while now I’ve realised something. Maybe that life was something old me wanted. But both you and me — we’ve changed. You’re the only person who could ever truly understand everything I’ve been through. How could I go back to that life with having experienced all this stuff and having no one to talk to about it? Would anyone believe me if I told them about Thanos? Or… how could I live with the knowledge that at the time I was living my life you were somewhere being tortured and brainwashed?”

“Steve… you loved her. You still do love her. You both had something special, even a blind person could see that.”

“Maybe we did. But she’s had her own life without me. And I’m grateful for that.”

Bucky looked at him with surprise. “You are? Why?”

“Because after all those years I’ve realised that I actually was able to live without her. I’ve made friends. I even tried to be romantically involved with people.” Bucky hoped Steve wouldn’t see his slight cringe at that. “She moved on and had her own family. But so did I. Besides,” Steve’s hand has now moved from Bucky’s arm to rest on his neck. “When I returned there I’ve realised something else.”

“What did you realise?” They were both whispering now.

“That while I was able to live without her, I definitely wasn’t able to live without you. I knew you were there waiting for me and the thought of letting you go made me scared. I’ve lost you so many times, Buck. I think it’s time we finally get the chance to just _live_ and catch up for all the time we were apart.”

Bucky smiled at him shyly. Steve brought their faces closer together with the hand that was on Bucky’s neck.

“So… when do we start?” Bucky murmured. Their faces were bare millimetres apart from each other, they were breathing the same air.

“How about… now?” And with that, their lips finally connected. After all those years. After all the pain, all the longing. The fight had finally left them. It was time for a new chapter, a completely new beginning. One where both of them never leave the other’s side ever again. One where they finally get their well-deserved happily ever after.

 

_Maybe I'm just too good_

_Maybe I'll run away_

_Maybe I'm over you_

_Maybe I shouldn't stay_

_Maybe I just don't care_

_Maybe I talk too much_

_But baby I'll be there_

_Yeah, baby I'll be there_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you soooo much for reading I really do appreciate it! If you ever want to talk or say literally anything (or randomly drop a SteveBucky picture)


End file.
